The Very Hungry Caterpillar

by Masha Kisel

On Monday, I ate three Taco Bell Crunch Wraps, two bean burritos, one Fiesta Burrito and an order of Nachos Bellgrande. Washed it down with a large Coke. I practice in the mirror first. Tom always asks if my stomach hurts after, but it never does. Eating in front of the camera is like not eating at all. You’re a second person, a second stomach, a non-corporeal being, stuffing a hologram mouth for ED teens, bored housewives, and perverts.

The hardest part of Taco Bell is not getting refried beans on my nails. I wear long, clicky acrylic nails, sticky, shiny lip gloss, false eye-lashes so thick that they make a sound when I blink.

Hello, my Very Hungry Caterpillars! I say at the beginning of every video. Let’s see what’s on the menu today.

The trick is to keep talking. The trick is to keep eating. The trick is not to let anyone know that you’re performing a trick.

On Tuesday, I ate a Big Mac, a Spicy McCrispy, a ten-piece chicken nuggets with BBQ sauce and honey mustard, a fish filet, three large orders of fries, and two chocolate milkshakes.

Tom watches me edit as he lays on the couch.

I make money and he doesn’t, and that pisses him off.

It makes no sense, he says. What are they paying you for?

On Wednesday, I ate a bucket of KFC chicken, two orders of mashed potatoes with gravy, corn, five biscuits, and a gallon of water.

Tom laughed like crazy when I was done filming.

What the fuck is so funny, I asked.

You’ll see, he giggled.

I took Thursday off because I couldn’t leave the bathroom. The big joke was ex-lax in my mashed potatoes. I should’ve been able to tell from the taste. But when I film, my flavor-sense is almost non-existent.

When I got pregnant, it felt like Tom and I were sharing a body. Part of him stayed in. Never left. The pregnancy didn’t last.

Tom is a practical joker. When he went away to college, I cried my eyes out. But he came to visit every weekend just like he promised. One weekend he saved up all the condoms we used and hung them up, tied-up like water balloons. One tied to the lamp. One to the arm of the chair. One hanging from the shower head.

Don’t make me use condoms, babe. You know I hate ‘em. That was his way of telling me. So, I went on the pill. Except the pill doesn’t always work. Even if you always remember to take it.

Tom and I have all these little inside jokes.

Another time, he put on a wig and giant sunglasses and grabbed the big kitchen knife while I was in the shower. He pulled back the curtain and made the psycho stabbing noise.

It was funny later. But I got so scared I slipped and fell in the tub so hard that I cracked my coccyx.

On Friday I felt better, but I couldn’t eat anything fried. So I got a sushi boat at Lotus, placed the phone tripod on the table and just ate it at the restaurant. On Friday, I ate two crazy rolls, two spicy tuna, one spicy salmon, one dragon roll, and a matcha bubble tea.

I tell my viewers to buy the lip gloss I’m wearing.

“Hey Very Hungry Caterpillars, for an unmistakably yummy look, check out Pouty Katy Lips in melon, cherry and lollipop.”

I bop my lips for all the ASMR folks.

When I got pregnant Tom dropped out of school. He gave up his baseball scholarship. But he never blamed me. That’s worth a lot.

On Saturday, I ate nothing.

On Sunday, I ate one green leaf. It was actually half a head of lettuce and I didn’t film it. I crunched and crunched standing in my bathrobe in the kitchen. Just something to do while I wait for Tom to wake up. When I am not the Very Hungry Caterpillar, I am not very hungry. I don’t love eating. Tom says I ruined my stomach whoring it out to the internet. When he wakes up, I’ll make him coffee and a big breakfast of eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, and toast. I’ll watch him eat it all.

 

Masha Kisel holds a PhD in Slavic Languages and Literatures from Northwestern University. Her writing has been published in The Forward, Gulf Coast, Vestal Review, Prime Number and elsewhere. She currently lives in Dayton, Ohio where she teaches at the University of Dayton. Masha is working on her first novel and a collection of short stories. More at https://mashakisel.com/